I don't think it's an all the time thing, but it's an a lot of the time thing. Self admittedly (for better or worse) I'm type A. My mind is a very organized place. Which is why the constant change associated with this lifestyle is a challenge for me to wrap myself around. I like to have a plan, I like to buy tickets for things in advance, I like to look forward to vacations, etc. etc. etc. you get the point. Unfortunately these things and our current "sea tour" just don't mix.
Nothing is ever certain, nothing is ever for sure, nothing is ever a given...and as frustrating as that can be I also realize I just described life to a T. I think the truth for me is that, if given the opportunity, I would create the most routine stable life possible. But, in reality all it would be is a facade, because life is none of these things. We aren't even guaranteed tomorrow (although truth be told I spend plenty of time thinking, and yes even worrying about it). I get "all spun up" (to borrow my husbands favorite term) every time the military throws a new curve ball our way. You'd think I would have learned my lesson by now, and while I do recover much quicker, the news always has me reeling (at least for a few hours). As I type this I realize it sounds like something earth shattering has happened, don't worry it hasn't. That's just me and the over dramatic gene kicking in. I'm just processing the latest. We had been planning (I'm going to start using that term really loosely) on Nate leaving next Friday. And let me just go ahead and say I'm sure most people get a little tired of me saying that, it may seem like when is he not leaving. We are definitely in a unique situation. He is never gone more than 3 months at a time, but is usually not home much longer than that either. His community is in a constant state of deployment and therefore rotation to keep it up. It's confusing I know. I can barely keep up with his schedule and certainly don't expect anyone else to try or care. While there are some definite positives to the situation it also sometimes leaves you feeling like your husband comes home, visits for awhile, and then heads back out. I am thankful beyond belief that he doesn't ever have to be away for months and months on end...but in the same breath if another person says to me, "At least he doesn't have to be gone for 6 months" I might breathe fire. In my opinion the military is not a competition. When your husband is gone, no matter what the schedule, it is hard. Period. And just to clarify that statement some of my best girlfriends are at the opposite end of this spectrum (having husbands deploy for long periods of time) I am in awe of you and you know it. You are also dear to me because the comment that makes me want to breathe fire has never come out of your mouths! It is most often spoken in ignorance by someone who has no idea what living like this is really like, I need to remember that. If my honesty offends anyone I'll apologize, but if you can't be honest on your own blog where can you?! Off on a tangent sorry. Anyway, all that to say, Nate's schedule just changed again. *Smile* My type A personality just got thrown for a loop again. *Smile* God continues to refine me and grow me through this entire process. *Big Smile* And, while it's not so much the fact that he is leaving again (because who wouldn't hate that) it's the fact that the when is always changing!! Which leaves me wishing Uncle Sam would get himself a nice fat day planner and get a little more organized...
But, I'm also just kind of exhausted from caring. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I'm exhausted by my husband, my family, even our life...I'm just tired of holding onto my plans so tightly. It's like I've got a fist full of sand and I'm terrified when even a few grains slip through the cracks. I mean seriously what's the big deal anyway? It's all just the facade I was talking about. The control I think I want to have, the control I'm so desperately holding onto....the control I'm so ready to just let go of...because it's not mine to begin with...
11 comments:
Gotta love the Navy. I'm sorry Beth. I laughed at your "breathing fire" comment. So true. Hang in there! Is this his last one I hope?
Thanks Beth!! Second to last (hopefully), so we're getting closer and closer to the light at the end of the tunnel! :)
I just love when I hop on your blog, there is something inspiring, real, and/or insanely funny! I also want you to know that although we are on the 6 month cycle, I'm in awe of you - your spirit, your ability to the look at the glass half full, and your ability to mix oil and water. love you guys!
Beth! I know how dificult this is for you. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest. Thanks for sharing your thought process. I trust it will serve you and others well.A super big hug to you today. I feel your pain and love your heart.
Mama
The Navy always seems to be throwing us curveballs- and unfortunately you all seem to be hit by them on a more regular basis....
and you are right- when the Navy is not doing it- something else in life is.
As a fellow Type A personality I feel for you- being a military wife is something that is a constant daily challenge.
BUT I am pleased to announce on shore duty, they may actually have a SCHEDULE. And Ben just received a calendar for the WHOLE YEAR on holidays and days off associated with them while we are in DC.
Such music to my "planning" ears....:)
I wish the same for you all SOON!
Number 1, it's facade.
Number 2, oh man are you ever gonna love the shore tour... Los is home so much it's ridiculous. We even get BORED a lot, imagine that:) And in my opinion, though I've only done what you've done, I would think it's harder to do the home-away-home-away cycle than to do the 18 months home, 6 away cycle, just having seen neighbors do it; because they can get into a rhythm during that away period (or travel, or have g-parents visit) that the VQ community didn't have, b/c of the frequent change. So I think you're enduring some of the hardest times, adjustment-wise... Just my opinion. But I REALLY hope you get San Antonio and will be here soon so we can hang out:) (and you and Nate can hang out- for years!)
Hang in there, almost done!
Thanks Sam, Megan and Casey...one of my favorite things about the military is girls like you! :) Casey thanks so much for correcting my facade, my mom had already texted me (what are mothers for) :) But I hadn't gotten around to changing it! I should probably issue a disclaimer at the top of my blog that my grammar and spelling could use a little work! :)
I hate when Nate goes away because, even though I'm just reading this on a blog, I can always feel your heart breaking. I think that the great thing about other military wives is that, we can feed off of each other. Some will offer us a shoulder to lean on, others will make us laugh, get out of the house and forget for a minute that they're gone, and others will show us that no matter what the situation, (most of the time), our lives are similiar and that in itself helps! I hope that you can really enjoy your extra time together these next few weeks!
The only thing you can count on in the military life is change! Ha! And yes, the comparing thing does get old. I had someone write an entire blog on how I had no room to call my husband a hero because he didn't do X job or deploy for X amount of time. Hopefully the people that said the 6 month thing were trying to be optimistic instead of competitive. Hopefully. :)
E, love your outlook and you are so right! Wives are the best support group we have...so blessed by that! Casey thanks for commenting, I'm sorry someone made you feel that way, that stinks. I'm thankful that I have really never had another military wife make those comments to me, it is usually people outside the community, and I think they are trying to be positive but it sometimes just comes across in a negative way. Pat your hubby on the back and thank him for his service! :)
Type A wives, UNITE! Maybe if we put all our planning efforts together we can tame the roaring beast that is the US Navy! =)
I remember almost giving myself an ulcer when Forrest was in flight school and we didn't know his schedule for the next day until 5pm the night before. Being refined sucks; no offence to the Refiner.
Keep up the togetherness mission girl! Every bit of hard work you are doing now will pay off during your shore tour because your family will be able to start the tour close, rather than wasting together time getting back together. Soft hearts are easily wounded, but they are also the best soil to grow love, love, love.
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