And then you were three.

Dear Emerson,

Yesterday you turned three.  I know, I know I'm a day late but before you go getting a second child complex let me explain.  I fully intended to write you yesterday but we were just a little busy throwing a tea party fit for a princess...

I'll have all the lovely details soon because it really was a day to remember.  But right now, in the hopes that the grown up version of you (which I can only imagine is beautiful and graceful and perfect in the way that mother's always think their children are perfect) will someday sit down and read this I have a few things I want to tell you.

I was thinking about you this morning when I woke up.  I was remembering the beginning of you, and by that I mean when you were just a thought in my mind.  Carter was almost three when I had a little crisis of sorts.  She was potty trained and well behaved and she played alone and entertained herself and I started to wonder if it might be nice to just enjoy the simplicity of one.  Simply put I considered the possibility of an "only child".  I'd be lying if I said the concept didn't have it's perks.  It was uncomplicated and dare I say even easy at times.  I remembered what it was like to have time to myself and then I did something that I wouldn't recommend...I got scared.  Scared s#*@less in fact.  I became certain that not only did having one child seem like a decent prospect I was certain I couldn't handle two.  I was convinced that mothering one child was right up my alley and that two would send me into a land of chaos and oblivion.  I'd be a mess.  I'd be stressed.  I'd lose all sense of who I was.  It sounds silly right?  I'm sure all the supermoms with 4 plus kids and their ducks in a row would get a good laugh if they read this.  But it's true, and I'm not sure I've really ever fully admitted it to anyone but now you know.  

So here's the thing.  In spite of all that ridiculous fear I'm a logical person.  As I weighed all these things out I realized I couldn't do it.  I couldn't risk missing out (because I hate missing out) on all the amazing things that might come with adding to our family.  And you know what really got me?  This little thing in my heart that said, "Carter might have a sister...".  Sisters are a certain kind of magic that you could never bottle up.  And it was so odd because as much as I had wrestled with the decision once I knew how badly I wanted you it was all consuming.  I didn't want to wait another day much less nine months.  But wait I did because you didn't come easily and when you were finally a reality I almost couldn't believe it...

And you know what Emme?  Whatever was left of that stupid fear thing was gone the moment I met you...

Oh my gosh I just loved you so much...

And I think the thing I am really trying to tell you is that maybe someday you will feel afraid of something...maybe (just maybe) it will have you practically paralyzed with the thought of, "There's no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I can do this."  But do it anyway.  It's so worth is baby girl...

Have I told you lately that I love you?

I know the year ahead is a crazy one.  Three is the year of leaving babyhood behind.  I'm not quite ready but I know from experience that won't stop time...

You are like a ball of sunshine and how lucky am I to be your Mama?  God gave me you...

He knew I needed a good laugh everyday just to stay sane...

Oh and that sister thing...it really is magic...

Happy Birthday sweet girl.  I love you with all my heart...

XOXO Mom