We are going on week 5 of Nate traveling for his job. WEEK 5. Stick a fork in me I am done. Not just done...well done. And I'm just being totally honest I hate days like today. I hate days when it's finally "over" and by over I mean my darling daughters are sleeping soundly in their beds and I feel like I survived. I hate that feeling. And I know what you're thinking...it's ok to have days like that...and I know it's true...but that doesn't mean I have to like it. In fact I like to believe it's just fine for me to hate it. I don't want them to remember me as a short fused, frazzled, crazy lady and that's certainly not a bad thing. It's also deeper than just wanting my kids to "like" me...I could take or leave that (although I certainly hope at the end of their childhood I'm one of their favorite people:). No it's not about liking, it's about doing my best by them and today they got less than that which is what is disappointing.
But let's look at the glass as half full for a moment (just to make lying my head down tonight a little easier). Let's suppose that maybe on the days when we fail our children we are teaching them something as well...let's suppose we are showing them about a little thing called grace...
Why is so hard to admit that we all fall short? I get that it's not necessarily something to be proud of or advertised. I mean I don't see t-shirts with "I sucked today" taking the fashion world by storm. But the truth of the matter is we all have our moments. We all need grace in hefty doses. We all need to cut each other a little slack every now and then...
I hope one day in a land far away and a time I cannot quite imagine my grown daughters will look back and know I loved them, and yes I failed them, and I hope that if I teach them anything it will be to look to the one who doesn't disappoint when I do...
Because while I would love more than anything to never fail them, never let them down, never disappoint them...I do. And so on days like this when I fall short I hope that maybe I'm teaching them something after all...to look to the one who never will. To turn to Jesus who created them to love. To love playing, and painting, and singing, and dancing. To love their friends, and me, and their kick a*% dad. But more than anything to love Him. It took me so long to begin to get that and so maybe I can help them to see the real truth in our failures is this...
Even Mama ain't perfect kiddos. Truth. But I'll do better tomorrow...or at least I'll do my best. There's another little something I hope I can teach you. There is beauty in doing the best you can when circumstances that are less than ideal swirl around you. And I hope that someday when you are having grace for your dear old mom and forgiving me for falling short somewhere deep down your heart will speak up and whisper, "she did her best." And maybe someday when you have babies of your own (I'm going there even though the thought of you growing up is not ok with me no siree bob) you'll be standing there with a baby on your hip and spit up in your hair and bacon burning and somebody will yell "WIPE ME!!" and the dog will pee on the floor and another kid will be painting a Picasso on your freshly painted walls and...well...you get my drift...and in that moment you'll do your best. And the ocean of grace will continue and you'll wake up the next day like I will tomorrow being so thankful that this has never been more true...
Great is His faithfulness...and I couldn't love you more.
4 comments:
This mama really needed to read this! :) My husband has been gone for the last four months (minus the weekends) and has one more to go until the spring, so I can totally relate. So many prayers have been said regarding all that you shared here. I am so thankful for God's grace and that I know He will be faithful to make something beautiful out of this despite my less than perfect moments. Thank you for sharing your heart. It leaves me feeling encouraged tonight. :)
Beautifully honest... And, I understand! "Under" meaning that I feel it from the inside of my heart and beneath any outside veneer. "Stand" meaning that I'm right there with you, in strength, heart, and support. There are so many times that I buckle to the weight of my own imperfections and I lose perspective by getting caught up in the details. (I mean, I like things perfect...and many times they're not!) It's a fresh reminder that we are truly blessed to be mommas to such awesome little bundles of joy and the gift of a child's love is such a precious treasure. Anyway, just wanted to let you know, that "Momma said there'd be days like this"...but, the good news is that the "sun will come out tomorrow...betcha bottom dollar, there will be sun!" Believe it or not, I'm encouraged that other mommas go through rough patches too...so, thanks!!!
This mama had the same feelings when 'they' were children under my wings. And, 'they' have become beautiful and spiritual and faithful adults, in spite of me!!! I love you and yours!!! PTL
You write so beautifully. And honestly. I'm not a great writter so it always amazes me when I read things like this. This gave me chills because you hit the nail on the head lady. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Post a Comment